We’re a nation of winners, even if by default.
So when Melbourne, marginally lost the title as the world’s Most Liveable City last year – a feat it had reigned in for seven years – we took it upon ourselves to do what we do best: stew on it for a few months.
Now we’ve cut our losses and crowned it with a new, improved title: the Most Bucks Party (-able) City.
Between its slew of sporting entertainment (from weekly Darbys to AFL Grand Final and Cricket Boxing Day Series) and density of pubs, local breweries and dens, mixed with its diverse club nightlife, world-class and hipster dining, as well as dynamic “culture,” Melbourne is the royalty of destinations for celebrating Grooms-to-be.
In a place where there are probably more choices for beer as there are trams, choosing the perfect Bucks Party venue is surprisingly overwhelming.
Lucky for all of you knighted as Best Man, we’ve done the heavy lifting and handpicked (handpicked = keyboard bashing) the finest of Melbourne’s bucks spots that’ll give you a proverbial (key word: proverbial) boner… and make your lads livid they hadn’t thought of these first.
If you’re not Best Man, send this over to whoever is on Bucks organising duty and tell them to get their plastics ready. While you come to the realisation the plastics we’re referring to are credit cards, here are the best Bucks Party venues in Melbourne.
Kick off your Bucks day by skipping the coffees, because with Melbourne Cable Park you’ll be jittering with enough adrenalin to fuel your alertness.
The boys can take turns wakeboarding laps around a lake, with opportunities to exert their testosterone superiority by tackling the obstacles around the course.
Take advantage of the no admission fee for “spectators accompanying paying guests,” and hire a cheerleading squad to boost the Groom’s ego. It’s all wholesome fun to counteract whatever will happen come nightfall.
Centrally located (for all you property moguls) and stumbling distance to St Kilda Road, the 18 hole course has lake and CBD views so when you kook a shot, you can say you were distracted by the picturesque scenery.
Save the serious competition for your Corporate Golf Days and instead tee up the “Goofy Golf” – a short format 6-hole course combining long drive competition and putting competition with custom soft balls and oversized golf clubs, followed by a BBQ and drinks. It’s the quickie version of golf for the laidback lad or the Bachelor Party on a mission.
Let the sledging begin.
Booze and cruise go together better than a Groom and a Bride on a wedding day, so for 3-4 hours booze and cruise down the Yarra River with all the guys and, ahem, any additional guests.
Whilst technically not one specific venue, who cares because everyone loves being on a boat! If you don’t, get out and swim your way home. Bet you’d prefer to be on a boat now.
Now that we’re all on deck, the Boat Cruises available in Docklands combine all you need – views, novelty, not having to commit… to a singular destination… all in the one (floating and isolated) place. There are a bunch of providers to make the Grooms wet dreams come true, just take your pick.
Drop the term “brewery” and your boys will squeal louder than pigs in a sty at feeding time. The OG hard-earned thirsts were brewed behind the infamous red brick walls at the home of VB and Carlton Draught, and they have over 2 million litres of beer produced here on the daily.
Gentlemen, would it truly be a Bucks Party without the Gentleman’s sport… or just sport? Unlikely.
Cricket or AFL, choose your match and play on with a private suite at the MCG. Prefer opting for the GA section? Then risk being sin binned for life by your mates.
The exclusive suites can host up to 18 of the Groom’s truest blokes, serving up footy fare and grazing grub, premium level 3 viewing behind sliding glass in an “intimate environment” and, of course, private bathrooms. Sort yourself two private drivers and they can drop you right into one of your two VIP car parks.
Let’s also note the MCG so kindly mentions, “As corporate suites are private facilities, the dress code will be at the discretion of your host.” We’ll take that as a clear invitation for costumes or party shirts, so even if your team doesn’t win, you’ve already won with the clothes you’re probably wearing.
You’ll never be Wolverine or Thor, but you can be a hero by booking a Corporate Box at Marvel Stadium. Up to 16 guests get much the same as the MCG set up, but with a larger smorgasbord of marvelous (sorry, we had to) entertainment options, like UFC (we’re looking right at the Robert Whittaker vs Israel Adesanya fight), the Big Bash, Concerts, and special events.
If it’s good enough for Chris Hemsworth and Matt Damon, it’s good enough for us.
We’re also giving big thumbs to the original developers for plopping a stadium in a spot that’s walking distance to the Docklands booze cruise you came off earlier in the day.
What has smokey eyes, goes low, and does it slow?
The BBQ meat at Smoking Barry’s, that’s what. And they have a Texan-inspired venue right in South Melbourne serving up saliva-inducing pulled pork and beef brisket for all the meatheads.
There’s a bar and patio beer garden, but the real party is in Barry’s Boardoom; a private meeting space for 14 people to make not-so-serious business happen (we’re thinking a Wolf of Wall Street Office Party vibe).
Suits or cowboy hats optional. An empty stomach and fun mandatory.
Coined as the “The jewel in the Crown”, the Pins Royal is hitting bougie levels. This is a discrete, exclusive and premium Bachelor venue for the money-eyed Groom who is also a pure legend because he’s genuinely friends with everyone. Holding a capacity of 150 people, bring the big dick energy and fill it with buddies and a few atmosphere models, crowd warmers and party hosts… there’s space for everyone, even the supplied personal butler.
But the crème de la crème, isn’t the freshly shucked oysters with ponzu dressing, it’s the bowling. Hear us out on this: two mahogany bowling lanes with state of the art BES-X bowling technology (we don’t even know what that tech is but we’re in), and, of course, gold bowling balls and designer bowling shoes to pull your best bowling manoeuvres. Take all our monies now.
If that happens to get too boring, you also have karaoke to belt out wildly inappropriate tunes – we’re thinking Whitney Houston’s high pitched “I will always love you” – and a luxury pool table to snooker that atmosphere model the Groomsmen are attempting to impress.
Want to bring your bowling-style-action a little bit more down to earth… literally closer to ground level?
Hit up a few of the rinks in the City of Melbourne Bowls club in Flagstaff Gardens. For the geriatrics Bachelors who are used to smaller balls, you can spend the afternoon or night playing a sport (barefoot) the Groom is unlikely to be concussed in (unless there is a very rogue bowl). Casually refine your bowls technique, whack a few snags on the Barbecue and toast beers, or even sip on G&Ts. And for the particularly energy-conservative Groomsmen, we have plenty of models who can retrieve the bowls for you after each match.
It’s the ideal bachelor venue for the Groom who wants to pace himself.
Forget the elitist shit-show that is Melbourne’s Spring Racing Carnival, we’re after a casual punt in a relaxed atmosphere.
A little south-east of Melbourne, hire a party bus, hummer or convoy of vintage cars to transport the boys out to this sunny racetrack that’s a leader in grassroots picnic races.
The lack of formality also makes it ideal for leaving the ties solely for the upcoming wedding day.
Choose between marquees, roped off sections, picnic tables or throwing down a rug – it’s a winner for all budgets and, hopefully, your bets.
Visualise craft beers, spicy southern fried chicken, Aussie wines, 80s inspired cocktails, chilli nachos with brisket mole and board games, along with a Miami style rooftop bar married with some of the best views in Melbourne.
Why go to hell when heaven is right here on Bourke Street.
For the discerning Bucks who want to luxuriate, contain the celebrations and avoid a next-day scene a la The Hangover, you have all you need when you book one, or both, of the Penthouses at The Cullen.
Laze about Lady Luck and The Growler apartments at your leisure, whilst you have the rest of Melbourne at your doorstep. We’re not sure you even need to leave when you can browse the personal art library or soak up the sun on the rooftop balcony – this is also our cue to tell you to hire one of our PartiStaff talent to act as a private butler or topless waitress so the Groom can completely moss out and mould his body to the outdoor sun lounges.
They say whatever happens, stays in Vegas, but we have a feeling it can also stay in the walls of these venues too… which means we’re back on our winning streak.